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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just Mere Flesh.....

When the Fear of them reaching u gets higher then your motivation to Live


(Following is a personal account written with all my randomness and maybe most of you won't understand so my apologies for that)

Somethings can't really be described in words especially emotions. But the feeling of the heart being clenched, the heaviness, the pain, the torment....can't be described. Heard people say that leave it..move ahead. Really? There are things which are just buried once and for all but then there are things which suck the life out of you everyday...every minute...every second. Demons that don't let you live. Demons that blackmail you. Demons that curse you. Demons that harass you....And all this will eventually kill you. And what did I do? Nothing...nothing of the sort they did. Why? because I can't. I just can't. Instead, I have to continue feeding them. It's not easy and people don't understand that. It's hard to feed them whats yours...your hard-earned stuff. Easier for people to say that let it go. I was of the same opinion but when I went through the same, I realised how hard it is. It's easier in words but only when it comes to us, we know the feeling. Everyday you have to go through the same. Suspicious eyes, Ogling sights, Whispers, Curses, Assumptions and a whole lot more. Place where people see you as flesh...just flesh ready to be preyed upon. Flesh that is for everyone because the King of the jungle died who was the protecter of all the activity. The roar of whose and his sight would tear apart all the wolves coming to take their share. It's like standing in the middle of snow-capped mountains or under the crying sky. Standing there and feeling cold while you see those wolves and hyenas safe under a shade...watching you with their preying eyes...looking for their chance. Yet, they say move on. God-forbid but I wish all who have said that to me would someday experience it themselves and then I will be standing there telling them, Move on buddy...Move on. Then the feeling you would get, the feeling which would tear your heart apart. It's when you will feel that burning sensation butchering you from the inside inch by inch...slow and steady. 

My Dad, he was the reason I was living. He was more then a Father to me. He was something next to God...someone supreme...someone invincible. I don't know whether you would know the feeling where you die with your loved ones. You live and breathe and eat and smile but you are dead. I died with my Dad that day but the only difference is that he is buried but I am living. I got all the good talk from people that life moves on blah blah which is not wrong but what if the wolves continue eating you everyday and continue chasing you...Will you ever be able to rise up? Will you ever be able to shove it off and say okay I will move on? Can you? Words can't describe what I am trying to say but I live this horror everyday of my life. After my Dad passed away, I never had a day where I have slept in peace, not a single day where I haven't cried my eyes out or I haven't laughed out like crazy. Laughter...signs of happiness and joy. It always had a very different meaning for me and I have been lucky enough that nobody was able to guess it. My immediate expression over a joke, joy or something happy is a Smile...just a mere smile. Sadly many people have mistaken it for my sadness but thats who I really am. The laugh...the crazy me is the person trying to hide myself behind it. The louder it is, the more I will be able to hide all behind it. It's a norm in this world...laugh it out loud. That is exactly what I am doing, laughing it out loud because there is no solution. I can just laugh about it...its a laugh on myself that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes after a good day of laugh, when I look back at it, it just seems like the laugh of those hyenas, as if they were the one laughing all along. Yet they say move on. It could be anyone for you, you parent, grandparent, friend or even a neighbour...someone who loved you for who you are and someone who stood by you...someone who would love you the most and no other love can conquer that. I have felt that love too and I know it's hard to conquer.  The mistake I do is to try to find him in other people sometime. Some traits or some incidents related to some people just give me his glimpse and I am like, He is just like Dad but NO...He is not. Everybody has their own individual space and just putting the costume of our memories over them will take them apart from us.  Am I sad about it? A lil bit but I know the reality. It's just the heart that hallucinates. 

9 comments:

  1. there is a pattern to your randomness :) lovely...

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  2. Shian (Poetry by a Japanese Ghost)September 7, 2014 at 12:56 AM

    Kiran,
    How are you?

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    Replies
    1. Shian (Poetry by a Japanese Ghost)September 7, 2014 at 10:20 PM

      I am fine. Thank you.
      I see that you don't write for a long time, so I was wondering if you are feeling OK...

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    2. Hy Shian :) Thank you for asking. Life is just going too rough write now. Can't even blog about it. Gathering my strength.

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  3. Shian (Poetry by a Japanese Ghost)October 18, 2014 at 1:06 AM

    Thank you Kiran.
    I can see how confused you are... (two spelling mistakes).
    Please don't take the whole world's pain on your shoulders; you will collapse.
    If something is too rough for you, that you can't even face it or deal with it - admit it to God. It's not a shame. It's reality.
    Non of us can solve all problems.
    I used to walk in the street with tears in my eyes, when I was about 15 years old. I didn't know why. I just felt strong emotional pain inside.
    Now, 30 years after, I still feel the tears in my eyes while I'm working or just doing nothing. I don't know why. It's just strong pain inside.
    I'm not a weak person. But honestly, I'm not strong enough to live in this life.
    hug.

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